Hold ON

Okay, so I was bound and determined not to get anymore size 16 jeans, the size I am in now. To me, it is almost like an admission of guilt or an admission of not achieving change. Then, 2 days ago, I realize something that I have seen before, something embarrassing and not cool. Where my too large thighs touch each other, my jeans have rubbed so much that I now have holes right there, near the crotch of the jeans. This may be due in part to the fact that I would only allow myself one pair of jeans in order to help me feel motivated to get in shape so that I don't have to get more than 1 pair at a time of a larger size. However, I have to admit that the main reason is because of my size and that I've taken so long to get into good and fit shape. This, of course, did not make me feel good. All this was right after I just got a fun workout video to start, and registered at WOWY.com--a website where you are assigned a coach to help you through the tough times when you are trying to get fit. So, I was feeling a bit down, combined with the stress of trying to organize & clean my house. So, what is the answer? Make cookies, of course. I knew that this would throw me off for a good 3 days to a week with my plan, but I was fighting with myself between deciding if it was something I needed, wanted, or a combo thereof. I took out the margarine to soften, and then didn't end up with time to make them. I was totally going to continue the plan and make them today (because I make GREAT cookies), because I already ate some other things yesterday that messed me up. I was going to have sweet stuff for breakfast too, but then I felt I shouldn't make it worse than it was, and I would feel better if I just had whole wheat bread, peanut butter and skim milk. It was true; I felt filled and resisted the urge to eat sweet stuff after that just because 'my mouth wanted it', so to speak. Then, I needed to do some laundry, and my holey jeans were needing to be washed. I was still having the same fight about the cookies with myself this morning. Then, a thought came--"Try on the new size 14 jeans that you bought for incentive before you got pregnant." So, I did. At first, I thought it would be like it was the last time I tried it on--could barely pull it over my hips, if at all. Then, they came up. Snug, but they came up. I thought, 'I won't really be able to button them'. I was about to just pull them off. "Try to button them." So, I did. Guess what? They buttoned. It was snug, my stomach fat rolled over the edge just a tad, but it wasn't really uncomfortable, except for the view. :) But I won't let that take away from my joy. I could put them on! So, that little bit of progress gave me what I needed to HOLD ON. I thank Thee, Heavenly Father. No cookies today.

confessions

I really didn't want to post the late weigh in because I was up to 207...terrible. However, I am happy to say I'm back to 205, at least. Our home computer isn't cooperating, so I don't know if I can post my measurements tomorrow. I'll 'keep you posted', though.

oops!

Today is Monday, but I spaced out on taking my weight and measurements this morning...and I can't find my tape measure. Last time we used a string and Thomas' regular tape measure. I think that if I can't find my soft one, that the measurements will have to wait until I get another. I'll do my weight tomorrow morning.

And again

Well, the week wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good either. I did really well for a couple of days out of the week, but a few days were just as bad as before. Looking back, I realize that I really could have controlled myself just as easily as before, but I didn't reign in my thoughts and fill them with something else besides the junk food I was thinking about before. I feel that is the key for my addiction/behavior--redirecting thoughts and also filling my thoughts/mouth with better thoughts/harmless food (celery, etc).

I also need to do better with exercise. It seems that I am still having a hard time with my old "all or none" attitude when it comes to exercise. Instead of feeling like I have to do it at 6am or I can't do it at all, I need to accept that getting it done at all is better than flaking out all together. Morning is better for me, but getting it done at all is better for me than no exercising at all.

I wasn't able to exercise yet this morning, but true to my word of trying to get it done with a better attitude today, I plan to do it when Sam and Claire take naps today.

Thank you for all those who are checking on me and comment and support me. I love you all.

Since I flaked for a while before starting up this week, I think I actually gained 3 lbs--how sad is that--between my first weight and this past Monday. So, I'll be posting my new (hopefully not too much more) weight and measurements, and finally put on my before picture. I plan on putting on the same kind of picture as what they do with The Biggest Loser tv show. Not flattering, but that's the point of this whole thing: to expose my problem and watch as it gets better.

the result

Okay, I have to say...I make REALLY GOOD cinnamon rolls. Oh man.

Okay, it's out of my system now.

I did what I planned: I had some carrots and celery, some cottage cheese with pepper, water, and a handful of grapes, and then I had a cinnamon roll. I won't have any other sweets today. I am allowing myself to be satisfied with the amount I've already consumed.

Finally!!!

I exercised today!...finally.

I decided that I would use my second hand eliptical machine today for the first time (don't ask how long I've had it for). However, when I got downstairs, I realized it wouldn't turn on and we were out of D batteries. So, trying to avoid the default 'difficult' setting and hating the machine forever because of it, I decided to go up and down my basement stairs. So, I did this 10 times in a row. Wow, I'll be feeling that tomorrow.

Then I did 15 calf raises on the bottom stair, holding my up position for 10 seconds every 5 lifts. Then, I did 30 crunches, 20 reverse crunches, 30 back lifts, and 36 shoulder raises and 36 incline dumbell presses. I used ultra-light weights, because my muscle tone has gone to pot. I used to be really strong and had great muscle, even if I have never been really slim. I think that is the part that I'm most looking forward to: being strong again, not just looking and feeling good.

I decided to try Smart Balance Peanut Butter (I already use the Smart Balance buttery spread--what a great product! I love the compromise) made with peanuts, flaxseed and palm fruit oils, molasses and salt. I always equate the taste of omega oils with fishy oil, because that's the first experience that I had with that stuff and the oil was ULTRA fishy. So, when I tasted this peanut butter, my first thought was, "fishy peanut butter...eww!" Don't get me wrong, I really like fish! I love halibut, salmon and trout especially. However, this didn't taste like fish...it tastes fishy...just to me, though. It doesn't help that I still have really sensitive taste from pregnancy. I'm going to keep using it because it's a better alternative right now, for me, than regular peanut butter while I'm trying to change my eating habits. I'm sure that I will get used to it pretty soon. I just need to limit the amount of jam or honey on the sandwich and not get too zealous about covering up the flavor.

I made cinnamon rolls yesterday. I really wanted one this morning for breakfast. I decided that I wouldn't restrict myself, but just discipline myself. I realized that if I had one in the morning, I would probably start to sugar crash later, and then eat another, and then probably eat yet another one later. So, I decided I would have one this afternoon after I have something else good (like carrots &/or lettuce & a little bit of cottage cheese) around snack time and then let that satisfy my want of sweets for the day. I think if I allow myself one thing each day instead of trying to pull everything out at once, there may be a point when I don't care to have any at all for more than a day at a time. I totally feel good about that.

My friend has invited me and some other ladies over to watch "The Biggest Loser" at her house every week. She says it's good motivation. I'm excited to go this week.

I'm feeling peaceful knowing that I'm heading in the correct direction and that I will soon be feeling better than I have in a long while.

September 1, 2008 measurements

Weight: 203 lbs
Hips (in inches): 44.5
Waist: 37.5
Bust: 48
Yes, we are a little top heavy, but I am a nursing mother, after all.

I got an article out of the paper on how to be able to jog 30 mins without stopping within a month's time, even if you are out of shape as I am. It starts today...more on that later.

Getting it right

Okay, so I am supposed to go walking/jogging with a couple of other ladies MWF. One of them broke her toe, so she's out for a while. I am sad to say I used that as an excuse not to go. What's really sad is that I have a treadmill in the basement totally gathering dust. So, in the direction of trying to get things right, I've decided that exercising with friends is definitely more fun, but I cannot allow myself to wimp out if someone can't go with me. It's totally time to get serious about it. Next week, I'll get that part right.

Beginnings

Here we go:

Weight: 203 lbs

Getting Started

This is my getting healthy journal. Fat itself isn't even the biggest issue at hand. It's that I haven't been proactive enough with my life in general--physically, emotionally. I need to become a harder worker in many ways. This will track how I do with my health. I don't have "health problems" per se, but I don't want to get there anytime soon. I'm only 28 and I know that I HAVE to get a handle on things before it becomes even more difficult. Don't feel obligated to comment, but positive comments would definitely be appreciated, as well as "kicking-my-rear-to-keep-me-going" comments...just no swearing or tearing, if you please.

I'm going to keep up to date on how I eat (not just what), my weekly weight (I weigh undressed, first thing in the morning, before I eat, after going to the toilet. That way, it's always the same way to go, not dictated by what I've consumed or whatever) every Monday, and measurements as well. I will also blog how I feel emotionally about myself. I want to do this so that I can make connections as to how I handle my eating cravings that usually go along with emotional distress. I think I will also post monthly pictures of myself; please don't gag. :) I will also list what exercise I've done and how I feel about it.
Thank you for your support and caring.